I haven't forgotten

September 11, 2001

10 years on and I still feel emotional when reading or hearing about September 11 and I haven't been directly affected by the event.

Sending my warmest regards to All who lost their loved ones, friends, colleagues.  To the brave who tried to save others risking their own lives. 

To somebody I know who lost all his colleagues working on that day - my thoughts are with you. Hugs.

Day before my birthday...

I haven't been blogging much lately. I do write though and write a lot. A day doesn't go by without me scribbling something somewhere, usually on my Blackberry as I carry it with me everywhere and this way is more convenient and easier to write down my thoughts.

Is my birthday tomorrow and I really ought to analyse what I have done so far with my life to make sure I'm not wasting it.
Well...to start with I don't have a job (I still believe I did the right thing by resigning) and desperately waiting for a break!
I have been good with trying to move on with my life and not to waste it but really would do with a break here!

It's a new year! Is going to be my year!
I don't like the number though but still, is going to be my year. Well I liked the previous figures and they were not really my years at all so... 2011 is going to be my year!

I haven't made any resolutions but have a long term plan:
1. Find myself again and define me as an individual, single woman
2. Find a job or even better, a career whether it is in London or New York
3. Renovate my apartment or if there is anything equally as good as this one then buy a new place
4. Find a relationship.
This is in an ideal world but hopefully that's how my life will evolve after the period of stagnation which (hopefully) is coming to the end.

I had a very pleasant evening yesterday. Pre-birthday champagne evening.
A friend of mine came to see me. He gave me an interesting poster which is already on my wall!
There is the art Deco theme going on in some of the cards shops which I absolutely adore! The poster is very much in this theme too, so 2 points for you my friend for getting the poster for me!
Actually, I'm not sure if I can call him a friend.
I like him, a like him a lot but he is in a messy situation ("coming to an end marriage" situation). He was already in it when we met and still is. So no change there and I don't believe this will change any time soon and that is the reason why we can't move on from being friends who kiss and cuddle to something more.
I pushed him away so many times but he keeps coming back.
How can I let myself get involved in something so messy! Don't I deserve better than to be second in a man's life? Is that true? Am I living in a fantasy world, dreaming about being loved again and being the one and only, the number one?
I am greedy when it comes to love. I want love that is unlimited, enormous, "my heart skips a bit when I receive a test message from that man" love, where "I'm lost without him" love! Is that too much to ask? Really?
Can I have that passionate love second time around? 
How many times we fall truly in love in our lives?  Once?

I'm going to make my birthday wish now... :) :) :)

Day 2 of my Not so famous biography :)

I resigned from my job on 30 November 2010 as it wasn’t for me.  Brave or stupid?  I’ll find out soon.  For right now I’d like to believe it was the right decision.  I was unhappy there, very unhappy.

One day, on the way to work a thought crossed my mind: what friends would say if I died.  After all when a person dies she or he is remembered by something or because of something they did, etc.
The answer to that question was that I would be remembered as somebody who was miserable and unhappy at work and didn’t do anything about it so I had to take some actions.
I should know better, I have one life.
I used to leave my home just after 7:00am and come back after work at about 7:30pm on good days and without any delays on the tube.  Then dinner, tidy up and get ready for bed so I can get up at 6:00am the next morning.
All of this makes sense if one has a reason for doing it so (husband, children, family, future, etc.).  Right now I'm at a point where I don't have any of this so I have to find another reason.
I want to concentrate on my career as this is all I have at the moment.
A career was something I didn't have in the company I used to work for.  I took the risk and resigned without having another job to go to.

I want to have time to think about me, have some me time and concentrate on me.
I want to think what I want to do, where I want to work (maybe change countries?), where I want to be and most importantly who I want to be.

I always wanted to write and this time off that I'm having right now gave me a chance to set up this blog and write.

Am I scared?  Of course I am.  I took the risk, it was my decision but I have to remember there is only me who looks after me.

And, o gosh, I would like to believe that "when one door closes, another one opens" is really true. 

Almost "just another day"

I want to write about me and thought if I create a blog then it will be more fashionable or perhaps some people might even read about me.
My not so famous biography!

A friend asked me when do I stop ticking the box where it says "widow" and start putting an "x" in the box where it says "single". I don't know. I have no idea when one changes the status. When one feels ready perhaps? I don't know.  I would like to think I am ready.

I lost my husband to cancer in April 2009.  We got married in December 1998 and would celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary this December. Instead I'm ticking the "widow" box and still cook for 2 as can't get used to cooking for 1!  Plus supermarkets should have more "dinner for 1" meals:)
I still wear my engagement and the wedding ring and when asked what my husband does for living I talk about him like he was alive.
Is easier this way as people don't know how to react when I tell them I'm a widow. I tried to tell the truth and was greeted by "oh", "sad", "really" or just "sorry" and conversations end and awkward silence falls. So then I put a brave face on and say: "that's OK, I'm fine" and feel like I have to cheer them up instead.
I'm too young to be a widow but yet it happens. Or I'm not young or old, bad age to be a widow.
I try not to give up and stay strong or I believe that is the case.

I am 36 and today is or would have been our 12th wedding anniversary.